Recently I was at a ladies church event where we were asked to pick a number. A number that described us or brought about a certain memory. I chose my age, 24. This year has brought me the most joy, heartbreak, encouragement, challenge, and growth. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom when I “grew up.” I wanted to have a loving husband and cozy house filled with lots of laughing children.
In April we thought our journey was finally about to start. A positive pregnancy test! The first call I made was to my sister. I actually face-timed her while she was at work. I instantly starting crying when she answered. Right then she knew. She was so excited but had to stay calm since she still had to finish her work day. After we hung up, I put my nieces in the car and went and we went to the store to buy a batman onesie (Nathan loves batman). I wrapped it in a gift bag and set the positive pregnancy test right next to it; so when Nathan came home from work, it was the first thing he saw. The following weekend we had breakfast with my family and dinner with Nathan’s and announced our pregnancy. Nathan volunteered to bless the meal before we ate and prayed, “God thank you for this day and this food. And thank you for the baby that is growing inside of Bekkah’s belly.” My mom started crying right away and my mother in law sat next to me as calm as she could for the rest of the prayer while squeezing my hand, almost jumping out of her chair. It was one of the best days of my life.
A few days later I knew something wasn’t right. I probably called my mom 5 times in one hour, telling her over and over again that something was wrong. She told me to ask my mother in law to come over and watch the girls while she took me to the doctor. In that moment, even though I was seeking reassurance, I knew that I had lost my sweet baby. Nathan met us at the doctor and I cried the entire time we were there. I cried on and off for the next week. I don’t feel like I dealt with it the right way at first. After that week I kept telling myself, “It will be okay, you will be able to get pregnant again soon.” “Lots of people get pregnant right after a miscarriage.” Unfortunately that has not been the case for me.
It has been 5 months since my miscarriage and I’m still not pregnant. It’s like another let down every month, having to process my miscarriage over and over again. I have honestly asked my husband if it will change how he feels about me if I’m unable to have a baby? He continues to speak truth in my life and is always so patient, reassuring me that he is here for me no matter what. Even though I struggle with this regularly, God has taught me so much through it. He has taught me more about His love for me than I ever knew. He has taught me more about His perfect timing and big picture plan for my life. He is showing me daily to lean on him, to find strength in him, and that HE is enough. He will give me the desires of my heart.
Again, He sees the big picture. He doesn’t promise that He will do it in my timing or according to my plan. But He will someday bless me with the opportunity to be a momma.
So, as hard as all of this has been I am so thankful for the short time I was able to be my baby’s momma. I am so thankful that I had my family surrounding me, praying for me, and encouraging me. For this time that God has taught me about how he sees me and how much He loves me. For all of my sweet friends who continue to pray for me and for those who have gone through the same thing who reached out to me. So today and everyday, let’s think and pray for all of the women who have lost their babies. Pray that we find peace in Christ and who He is.
Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed and said to himself, “Shall a child be born to a man who is a hundred years old? Shall Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?” And Abraham said to God, “Oh that Ishmael might live before you!” God said , “No, but Sarah your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his offspring after him. Genesis 17:17-19
God has a BIG picture plan!